i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
