My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
