you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
