I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I need a beard to bite.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
