I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
