I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
