She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
