I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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