I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
