I think I died a long time ago.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize