i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
