We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize