Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
