i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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