Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
