Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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