i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All I want is dick and wine.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
