69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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