Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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