i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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