based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
