and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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