he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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