she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
