He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
