hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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