I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
