You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
