I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize