im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
