I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
