Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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