I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
