I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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