I just threw up on my dentist
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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