I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
worst night to have a conscience
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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