i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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