just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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