I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
