I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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