I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
