How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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