Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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