Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
