saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
