My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
