yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
