and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
