Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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