just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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