I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
