Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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