You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
