Got a toothbrush?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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