Umm I'm too high to move.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
