she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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