Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
