the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize