My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
